So, You Wanted To Write a Novel. You Poor Bastard.

Being an adventure of madness, miscellany, distraction, the occasional picture of attractive people, and somewhere in there, some shit about actually writing. At which point I'm probably drinking.

System Purge Initiating, Stand By

So.  This has been a crappy little blog where I put pictures I like and show off a few things I sculpt and talk a little bit about writing.  And through it learn more about what’s going on in the world around me that need more attention.  It’s not bad like that, but like any sort of online interaction, it has a bit of a veil on it.  I can still obfuscate who I am and what I’m dealing with and that’s something I’ve perceived as useful, and it’s really kind of not.

I need things out of my system, which I’ve done a little of in the past, and it helps.  I need to do it more often, because right now I’m heavily blocked, deeply depressed.  I have trouble doing the few things I enjoy or dealing with the even fewer things I love.  And the worst of it is, I know why I feel that way, and it’s my perception that it doesn’t matter or that no one cares, and I should feel bad for even talking in circles around things that affect me.  I’m in a bad phase, and I need to try and purge it out.

And I know part of this is the result of what’s called gaslighting.

In short, it means being twisted into believing that which is not true, into doubting your experiences, even visceral, painful ones, by your abuser, who has a vested and selfish interest in psychologically fucking you over.

In the bonus rounds, not only do you doubt core experiences of your life, but any ill effects get twisted into feeling like they’re your fault, or that you’re a piece of shit for dwelling on these things, or pretty much anything.  And you’ll feel guilty for talking about them.  Oh, and there’s so much more on offer.

Self worth?  Yeah, I don’t know what that is.

Identity?  Oh, we’re gonna talk about dissociation sometime coming up.  It’s fun to be an alien in meat flesh.

Tending to your own needs?  You have no needs.  You operate at the whims and desires of your abuser.

In emotional abuse, it’s all further weaponized by the fact that no one sees your scars or your bruises.  So for some people, they don’t exist. What are you whining about?  At least nobody beats you.  Don’t you know your mother loves you?

Oh, I know my mother loves me.

She loves me in the way Narcissus loved the clean, still water.

The goals of the narcissistic abuser are many and varied and I cannot speak globally about all experiences.  The goal of mine was to make an empty vessel in her shape and fill it up with all the things she wanted to hear.  It openly started in my pre-teen years, when she realized I was no longer a fleshy little toy that only reflected what she wanted, and it lasted decades.

I lost my twenties to this woman.

I’m in my middle to late thirties now.  I only realized what happened to my life THIS FUCKING YEAR when I finally told a story in a discussion thread and someone said “hey, she sounds like a narc.  You should check out this /group/.”  And that wasn’t when it clicked.  I went and looked and thought “They all have it so much worse than me, impossible.”

And I went away and buried all the shit.

I told another story later, offhandedly.  The conversation repeated.  This time, I actually read some of the links the group provided.

You know that ice cold feeling you get in your chest when you know something terrible has happened?  That feeling.

My mother is a narcissist.  I’m still not sure I’ve survived.  We’re going to see what stories I have to tell.  For my own sake.

The classic bits from The Onion that will be relevant forever.

The classic bits from The Onion that will be relevant forever.



this morning, police raided Greater St. Mark school/church in Ferguson, MO (formerly called St. Sebastian’s Parish).

community members had been using it as a safe space and staging area. police claim that the church is violating housing codes by sheltering protesters, even though the pastor has said it isn’t true.

please please please boost this. help these organizers recover the supplies they lost, and share just how fucking far these cops will sink to make the people of Ferguson suffer.

Jesus Christ.

Phone calls with emotionally abusive and narcissistic people that you cannot go fully No Contact with can sometimes become much easier (but not easy, it seldom is) with these two (unfortunately not always simple) steps:

1.  Stop giving a shit about anything your abuser is going to barf into the phone.

2.  Become a meat-based soundboard of generic noises and sounds.

Mm-hmm.  Yep.  Mmhrm.

Repeat as necessary until they run off the phone to something else vaguely important to their personal world.

Some local flavor.  From Pittsburgh’s East Liberty area, residents standing with Ferguson. 

Local news WPXI is already saying the police are sending out K9 units and forming a staging area to monitor.  Will be watching this one, too, tonight.  What you’re not reading is any way for me to explain eloquently how confused, worried, and pissed off I am that it’s necessary, even required that I’m afraid already that the police are going to fuck this up.

And not that I expect many to notice this, but what the hell - exercise some care on Twitter; a few people are hijacking the #Ferguson tag to spam graphic images of beheadings.  Gross-ass derailment concern trolling accompanies most of these.

Effort grows to help police officers »

For the real lols, get about halfway through and check out the old dude that has many bad feels for the tired police officers and how grateful he is for their hard work protecting property… (audible pause) and people.

Look, yes, they are human and some of them may be great people when not participating in one of the greatest active civil rights violations and fascistic police crackdowns in my lifetime, but right now, I have an absolutely thrilling suggestion:

Send them the fuck home.  They can just take a pleasant night off from tear gassing people exercising their constitutional freedoms of assembly and speech.  They can eat Cheez-its at home and maybe watch worried updates about the volcano in Iceland.  And maybe watch The Punisher again, or some other pumped up white dude vigilante spank fantasy.  And get some sleep.

Maybe they can crack down on some more people in a couple days.  I mean, they just shot another man today in North St. Louis.  Shit’s hard, man.  I understand.  Take a vacation.  Maybe visit some FUCKING MUSEUMS AND GET SOME FUCKING PERSPECTIVE ON HISTORY.

oh wait museums are still underrepresenting POC in history, too, nevermind.

Just go the fuck home, cops.  Take a sick day and LARP RoboCop at home with your kids.